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 My first novel.

 


"Good Till Your Last Breath"
 


 terrifying tale of revenge against the illegal drug industry, Washington lobbyists and our current crop of corrupt politicians.
The extremely lethal radioactive substance Cesium 137 is used to facilitate an early return for some of the players to their Maker. 


A fast moving story that starts at the Jersey Shore, then moves to the Florida Keys and terminates in Washington, D.C. on the floor of the President's Oval Office. 

 Order from: rbcaulfield@gmail.com
E-Book PDF format  
Free if your poor.
 or
Amazon Kindle $4.00
Paperback         $8.00

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 "Lessons From My Creature Teachers"

This is group of short stories which have taught me lessons that might help you. Some are funny and some are sad, but all are real.
I hope my experiences inspire you to put your own lessons in writing.1.Cappy 2. Sister Eileen
3. The Black Pear l4. Gayle & Patches 5. Blitz and the Hackamore 6. Watchung 7. Watchung Dog     
8. Watchung Hermit 9. Watchung Murder
10. Bored 11. Holy Heel 12. Land of the Morning Calm (Korea)
13. Dog Catcher 14. Life Guard Union Job
15. Short Order Cook 
Order from Amazon Kindle store $3.00
Order from Amazon Paperback    $6.00

If you are poor you may have it for free!
Order from: rbcaulfield@gmail.com

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Yesterday morning while I was surf casting off the beach at Sandy Hook, NJ, much to my
surprise, a huge stupid fish managed to hook himself to my line. After a wild 3.5 minute battle I beached my catch. Unfortunately it wasn't an edibile fish; it was a pair of almost new waders. The wader's were  stamped "U S Government Property - Drug Enforcement Agency". Good citizen that I am, I whipped out my soggy cell phone and speed dialed the President. He was busy but had my call transferred to the Drug Enforcement Agency. They told me not to move and a unidentified black heliocopter would immediately decend from above and pick up the waders. Later that day I called to find out what was happening. I was told no comment could be made while the investigation was ongoing. They told me to wait 5 years and call back regarding the investigation titled -
 'Waders of the Lost Narc"
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WRINKLE WRECKER LOTION
By Barry Caulfield

Eliminate wrinkles forever! Don’t just try to repair your wrinkled
skin; replace it with brand new beautiful skin.
In Fair Haven, NJ there is a modest home owned by Dr’s. Phineas and Philomena Pfluge, soon to become world renowned herpetologists. In their mostly illegal sub-basement (fondly referred to as The Snake Pit) they have a complete research laboratory.
One day Phineas loudly proclaimed “Philomena I’ve got it!’’. The
elusive gene they had been searching for was the one that prompted snakes to shed their old skin and replace it with brand new skin.
Now you simply lather your whole body with their new (patent
pending) Wrinkle Wrecker Lotion and in 15 days you will shed your old
skin and emerge in your new beautiful un-wrinkled skin. Depending on use this new skin should stay unwrinkled for at least one year. You may repeat this process as frequently as required to keep the wrinkles away.
The FDA has withheld its approval because of two minor negative
reactions:
1. Some users report an adverse side effect which urges them to eat live
furry rodents. If this is done in the privacy of your home – who should
care.
2. Each use causes you to grow approximately 3 inches. Philomena has
done this several times and now is seven feet eight inches tall. She has
been negotiating player contracts with several professional basketball
teams. Her skin is perfect.
You may obtain a 1 quart container of this skin renewal lotion under the counter at most drug stores for the modest sum of $247.00.
Dr’s. Phineas and Philomena Pfluge are continuing their research into several other avenues of life enhancing products.

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"MYTHICAL MEANDERING"
A bunch of short stories I enjoyed writing. Some truth may be found in the midst of many fallacious facts.
index
1. Where does Mincemeat come from?
2. The earthquake of August 23, 2011
3. The drone destroyer
4. Natures Wrinkle Wrecker Lotion
5. Freedom or Slavery, You Choose
6. The Obama Hair Restoration Plan 







7. Worm Food
8. Repubocrats
9. Dr, Barry's Sure Cure Foot Corn Problem
10. Dirty Story
11. The Time Bank
12. Future Food
13. Creation (according to Darwin's Dummies)
14. Crisis at the Humming Bird Feeder
15. We The People
16. Tail Wagging Dog
17. Interview with a Horseshoe Crab
18. Kidnapped

Amazon Kindle $3.00
Paperback         $6.00
Free if your poor - 
request from rbcaulfield@gmail.com

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"Barry's 365 Pithy Ponderings Book 1"

Some of these original one liners are great and some aren't. It took 90 years of attendance here on earth to come up with this stuff.

Amazon Kindle $3.00
Paperback $6.00
Free if you'er poor - 
request from rbcaulfield@gmail.com